How to get your Money back from a Madoff Ponzi Scheme

This Bernie Madoff guy has surely earned his name as the biggest and richest crook the world has ever seen. Unfortunately, every mouth piece on CNBC has started crying for the rich folk who were hoodwinked by one of their own.

Oh boy! What a shock. It was not some poor guy from the streets with a smelly coat that stole their wallets. It was some rich guy who looks just like George Washington who made them broke. Are we completely sure that it is not his face on the currency?

I am an optimist and believe that it is possible that his ponzi victims can get all their money back. Not pennies on the dollar as the financial gurus are claiming but all of it. They however have to follow the following rules:

Smoke Whatever Joaquin Phoenix is Smoking

I am sure that deep down you believe that Madoff is actually a good guy. Something in the jail will convince him to tell you where the money is. I on the other hand I’m not Joaquin Phoenix. I don’t believe in miracles.

I can assure you that what he’s smoking is some good stuff. Just as Mr. Phoenix believes that he is the reincarnation of Tupac Shakur, you too can believe that Madoff is a nice guy and will tell you where the money is stashed.

Hire Chris Brown as an Enforcer

You need to get someone to scare the hell out of the Madoff family to tell you exactly where the money is. The mafia won’t work for you. After watching Tony Soprano, would you be scared of some fat guy living in a mansion?

You need to hire someone who can do what he allegedly did to Rihanna and still look like a Boy Scout. Just make sure TMZ is not around to take pictures.

Join America Idol

You need to make the country feel sorry for you. There is no better place to do that than American Idol. All you have to do is give us a sob story about the Madoff ponzi denying your pet Chihuahua his dog chews and you will have our hearts.

If Danny Gokey can pimp his dead wife, you can pimp your pet Chihuahua.

Do not Hire Jim Cramer

Whatever you do please get a better investment analyst. I guess I do not have to tell you that your current investment strategy is not working.

Of all your investment managers choices, please not Jim Cramer. He is bound to hit the table and tell you to BUY, BUY, And BUY! He will tell you to buy even when you do not have any money to buy anything. Never allow the guy to go to the Daily Show either.

Make a Movie

When all else fails, make a movie. I am sure your fellow ponzi victim, Stephen Spielberg, would be happy to help you. Such a movie would be a blockbuster. It should serve two purposes: To make you some money and to scare the hell out of Bernie Madoff.

The making money part should be easy. Everyone loves stories of some rich people who ended up working at the local McDonalds. To make more sales, all Bernie’s victims should make cameos.

To scare Bernie Madoff to reveal where the money is hidden, just have Tom Cruise play him. I can assure you, being played by Tom Cruise can be a nightmare.

Hire Oprah and Tyra Banks to talk about Madoff

If two women talking about you are not scary, imagine two women who talk all the time talking about you.

I can assure you that no one, even a ponzi master like Madoff would like to hear Oprah and Tyra talking. Just get a show at his correctional facility and I can assure you, he will spill the beans and tell us his family may have known.

Just follow the advice above. If you don’t, you will be among all the other people in the world who have never received any money from a ponzi scheme that failed.